where the light catches

dream (1 of 4)

• mom’s purple Hyundai
• moon in holes of fence
• white balloon on the ground
• no, a dead dog on the ground
• mom’s leather coat on my lap
• something inside of it
• dog inside of it
• the same lullaby over and over again
• she pets his back and i cry

dream (2 of 4)

We were stuck on the edge of the volcano from the Wizards of Waverley Place movie, trying to inch around. I was holding Mom’s hand, the lava bubbled and burned holes in my big shoes. The rocks crumbled. We were brave. Nobody else could be like us.

dream (3 of 4)

I was looking out at the bonfire through the dusty blinds, Mom’s boyfriend was sitting on the bed playing the guitar. I watched my brother throw something into the flames, and then mom was yelling at him, pulling his hair, and the fire exploded up into the pines. I turned to the guitar, he told me to sing the ABCs with him and then began to trace the curve of my leg with two fingers.

dream (4 of 4)

• She was running in the woods
• Yellow raincoat
• Fastest runner in the county
• There was a man across the lake
• And a rock with moss
• She ran more
• Until she stumbled into the rock
• And then the man was there too
• She doesn’t remember how she got home
• She doesn’t want to talk anymore

color (1 of 12)

doorway blaring gold on the blue paint of the kitchen, lights flicker and are often off, the microwave spins in the same hue, warming my cup of mac n cheese, I stir

color (2 of 12)

neon green light blinking in doorway revealing silhouette of boogey man, getting closer, making sure I’m asleep, slipping his hands into my pokémon sleeping bag

color (3 of 12)

red splatter staining dark brown on white tile, Mom doesn’t bother to scrub like she didn’t bother to check if baby me could keep balance on the adult chair

color (4 of 12)

off white line curving across the span of my left front tooth, slightly indented. fleshy white mimicking similar curve on the inside of my lower lip, remnant of 12 stitches. pure white spot on center of lower outer lip, remnant of the tooth that went through it multiple times

color (5 of 12)

decorative bowl filled with dark indigo gel on the table, my fingers stuck in and poking around, the underside of my fingernails marking me guilty

color (6 of 12)

off white, yellow of eric’s teeth against the pink of his gums – his mouth open wide, yelling at me, big kitchen knife catching gold in the bathroom light as he swung it around

color (7 of 12)

silver gleam of metal tanks, the only way I would remember boogey man’s name years later when i finally realized

color (8 of 12)

soft oranges and deep greens of the sprawling tiger lilies against the white plastic fence, pink door a few steps behind, waiting to be opened and chipped – 2 of the many things dad left behind

color (9 of 12)

turquoise leather couch shining beneath the fake Monet dotted with pink lily pads, the light working its way through the flower garden into the basement, slipping down the couch into the dirty carpet – her new husband grinning, creeping closer, the turquoise creasing beneath his weight

color (10 of 12)

pale, almost pinkish beige face blurring behind the mesh screen, I cry to it the things that eat at me, the rasp of the priest’s voice tells me to confess to mom instead

color (11 of 12)

bright yellow raincoat hanging by the door, mom’s. I wrap myself in it and climb the tree in our front yard, hidden in an extravagant display of yellow leaves – a realization that if the coat in dream 4 was real, maybe the man was too

color (12 of 12)

flush of red against the porcelain of our tub, into the steaming water—body draped, eyes white in the purple hallows

misc (1 of 8)

dead iguana in thawing ground, her name was rosie. she was big and scary, she ate lettuce. we forgot her too long and now she’s climbing out of her unmarked grave back into her shattered glass tank

misc (2 of 8)

gramps was driving me in his old cadillac, one last time before he caved and got his weak ass prius (that would perpetually smell like warm bananas and wet dog). I opened the window and he screamed bloodily, i opened it again on accident and he was silent

misc (3 of 8)

my baby brother was just born, as in like less than a week ago. I wasn’t allowed to hold him, just touch and kiss. Mom was working, babysitter went to the bathroom, i picked him up so carefully, climbed onto the bed and jumped around with him, singing that car wash song

misc (4 of 8)

I had been compulsively shoving all of my trash beneath the turquoise couch since we moved in. I told the priest about this, and it was one of the two things he demanded I confess to Mom instead

misc (5 of 8)

Dad was early to pick us up, he had just drank milk at home and was finishing a Monster, the sun beat on him until he threw up into the vents of his beige saturn. I found him in my brother’s clothes, apologizing for the smell we’d be stuck in just for the next 20 minutes (the smell stayed for years, until he finally got a new car)

misc (6 of 8)

the sailboats floated in dark blue, sky and water. Their little lights flashed green and yellow and red as we drove across the small bridge toward the hospital, its sides covered in grass and reaching into the sea

misc (7 of 8)

the basement floor wet and cold against my back, dust collecting in lines on my bare skin, pink polka dots of my shorts crumpled in the corner: the start of the clubhouse (confession two of two for mom)

misc (8 of 8)

the pile of metal cans leaving burn marks against my neon pink flip flops, mimicking the smell of blood I knew from my lip against the tile, from Dad’s fists against the man who peed on our shed, from my stepbrother laying limp in the steaming hot water.

memory (1 of ?)

Mom’s face in the police station when she heard about the clubhouse, the boogey man, and her newest husband. the fake surprise and horror I know so well – her fingers leaving streaks on the thick plastic between us. My name screeched in desperation, her body dragged away from me as I sat in my own piss eating a kit kat, waiting for Dad