When Used as Directed

When used as directed, De-Mem™ provides a convenient, no-mess solution to those troublesome scraps of memory that we can trap us as we move through our day, those memories that drop down over us like a stinky old shawl from the attic or pop up like a bagel from a toaster, when we are most vulnerable or needy (or just hungry).

Left unharvested, negative memories hinder relationships, self-realization and overall positive forward progress.

Now with De-Mem™, our revolutionary new invention, free yourself forever from those toxic visits to past moments of pain! With a simple press of a button, our powerful technology gets to work, finishing with our signature Micro-Foam Cleanse™. Your spirits lift and the bounce in your step returns! No more lost hours or even days. Just think, will you really miss…


“Next time, how about a heads up, so we can get the rec room all nice and comfy, just the way you like it. ‘A corporate restructuring’. Got it – so lots of people lost their jobs? Lemme guess, just you.”


“We need to talk.”


“This doesn’t come in a larger size.”


“We need to talk.”


“I’m afraid the test results confirm what I suspected.”



No need to go there again! Simply wear our discreet chargeable sensor (cord included), designed to resemble a (unisex!) bracelet, it’s attractive but unobtrusive. Initially, you’ll wear De-Mem all day (but don’t get the unit wet!). Over time, you’ll  recognize when it’s safe to scale back to an hour or so daily.

With De-Mem, you’re in control! Getting overwhelmed by an unpleasant memory? Simply press the red exclamation mark on your unit, and the powerful sensor will search out and excise the experience – and with your Micro-Foam Cleanse™ experience, you’ll feel refreshed.

We understand that, for some, there may be an intense reluctance to part with these memories, despite the pain they cause. It’s hell, but at least you know your way around. That’s why we’re excited to offer the Extreme De-Mem™. For only a small additional monthly fee, you get the extra suction power, a super-powerful rinse, along with a heightened experience of our signature Micro-Foam Cleanse™!

Please note: At this time, neither model offers a reversal option.


We know your social and environmental concerns: no need to worry about where the purged memories end up. We have partnered with a collective of organic farmers/harvesters far out in the beautiful countryside (location withheld). Your memories will be free to roam, but not to return.



  1. Martha Jackson Kaplan

    Suzanne– Home run! I laughed my way through this take on QV networks. Just pay separate shipping and handling? Just one niggling suggestion– the double lines across the page to separate seem to visually outweigh the great comments. What if three asterisks or other slightly less dominant visuals separate the comments— because your words are better than the lines! Thanks for this. Glad I went back to first day for this.

  2. Trent

    Very cool Suzanne~

    Makes me think of the cheater-ish style of med commercials. Auction style speaking speed, with info packed in that
    no one can pin down as it’s being narrated.

    This plays around with the scale of time, though, quite successfully!

  3. Freesia McKee

    Hi Suzanne,

    *stares quizzically at the Fitbit on my wrist!*

    Ahh, the shell of ad copy. Those familiar absurd promises. I’m interested in the idea that we could eliminate our negative memories. Where would that leave us? Would that backfire? Something that seems too good to be true almost always is so. You effectively communicate this sinister underbelly of what seems, at first, like a wish we all want fulfilled.

    I agree with Martha that there may be room to play around with the placement of the one-line harbingers of bad memories in the middle of this piece. Maybe some additional visual framing? Or perhaps this is an opportunity to collaborate with a visual artist or illustrator?


  4. Suzanne van de Velde

    Hi Freesia,
    You’re right, I was feeling the lack of any visual element, I’ll go back and play with that. Thanks!

  5. Chelsea Stickle

    Oh my god Suzanne! How did you know I needed this product! How much again? Seriously, I would pay for this. Think of all the people with PTSD this could help.

    I love that the memories are free to roam but not return to you. I wish this were a real product and so would many people. You’ve tapped into a real part of the human psyche and made it funny. It seriously resonates.

  6. Jonathan Cardew

    Holy shit, I love this bit: “Next time, how about a heads up, so we can get the rec room all nice and comfy, just the way you like it. ‘A corporate restructuring’. Got it – so lots of people lost their jobs? Lemme guess, just you.” A story all in its own. Love the way you break up text in this.


  7. Dennis Holmes

    Suzanne, this is playful “product” information and it’s a topic of huge psychological importance. I like the juxtaposition of these two- how a product can promise to remove unwanted or pressing/dark former thoughts. I wonder if you might up the ante of these? Perhaps insert them in more than one place even? We all have them (Universal theme) and some, more than others. Great idea and wonderfully executed.

  8. Sara Comito

    Where do I sign up? This is very inventive: “…drop down over us like a stinky old shawl from the attic or pop up like a bagel from a toaster” You’ve created a solution to a universal problem, with a whiff of unintended consequences, and it’s terrific!

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