I am not perfect[1].
I came of age in the 60s and 70s[2]. I drank beer with my friends[3]. I have assaulted a couch or two[4]. I’ve mistreated people[5]. I showed a woman my dick[6]. I feel terrible[7].
But[8]. I am not a crook[9]. I did not kiss anyone[10]. I did not have sexual relations with that woman[11]. I never had any sexual or physical encounter of any kind[12]. Period[13]. That is the truth[14]. I don’t care what anybody thinks[15].
I am a very private person[16]. Competent and good[17]. Ask the guy in Coney Island[18]. Ask him if he likes me[19].
I’m a father who cares deeply for my children[20]. Not to mention all the money I paid for child support[21].
Guys are going through a terrible crisis right now because of women’s unreasonable demands[22]. I’m a single white male from South Carolina, and I’m told I should shut up[23]. It’s unfair[24]. It is terrifying that at any time, any girl can make up any story about any boy that can neither be proved or disproved, and ruin any boy’s life[25].
You could be somebody that was perfect your entire life and somebody could accuse you of something[26]. What went wrong is this stupid wokeness[27]. It’s so preposterous[28]. It’s outrageous[29]. It’s the single greatest witch-hunt in American history[30].
I’m vulnerable[31]. Constantly at risk[32]. Reeling.[33] I’ve had to rot in loneliness. It’s not fair[34].
I’ve lost my chance to swim in the Olympics[35]. It’s almost illegal to say “Merry Christmas[36].” They’re out there cancelling Dr. Suess[37]. That is a steep price to pay for twenty minutes of action[38].
One might plausibly argue that those with much less access to sex suffer to a similar degree as those with low income[39]. It’s unfair[40]. Women are doing great[41].
I will not be intimidated[42]. I will not shut up[43]. You’re not going to bully us[44].
I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me. But I will punish you all for it[45]. The idea of fucking your shit up gives me an erection[46]. I have fantasies every day about smashing [your] skull in with a sledgehammer[47]. I will fuck [your] burnt corpse[48]. It will be named after my mom and I won’t disappoint her[49].
There are so many people, thousands of people who would say great things about me[50]. A friend of mine said, you have to be the most perfect person[51].
I never said I’m a perfect person[52].
I have been remorseful[53]. I have asked for forgiveness[54]. On my raging adversary’s home turf[55].
If I had it to do it over again, I would not do it that way[56].
I’m really trying[57].
I’m totally confused[58].
Lover, why do you leave, on the day I want you for me[59].
[1] Brett Kavanaugh.
[2] Harvey Weinstein.
[3] Brett Kavanaugh.
[4] Johnny Depp.
[5] Ryan Adams.
[6] Louis C.K.
[7] Dustin Hoffman.
[8] Louis C.K.
[9] Richard Nixon.
[10] Junot Dîaz.
[11] Bill Clinton.
[12] Brett Kavanaugh.
[13] Matt Lauer.
[14] Marilyn Manson.
[15] Tucker Carlson.
[16] Matt Lauer.
[17] Brett Kavanaugh.
[18] Harvey Weinstein.
[19] Harvey Weinstein.
[20] Bill O’Reilly.
[21] Woody Allen.
[22] Michael Douglas.
[23] Lindsay Graham.
[24] Donald Trump.
[25] #himtoo meme, author unknown
[26] Donald Trump.
[27] James Carville.
[28] Woody Allen.
[29] Matt Lauer.
[30] Donald Trump.
[31] Bill O’Reilly.
[32] Bill O’Reilly.
[33] Ryan Adams.
[34] Elliott Rodger.
[35] Brock Turner.
[36] Jim Bakker.
[37] Matt Gorman.
[38] Dan Turner.
[39] Robin Hanson.
[40] Donald Trump.
[41] Donald Trump.
[42] Brett Kavanaugh.
[43] Lindsay Graham.
[44] Doug Mastriano.
[45] Elliott Rodger.
[46] Paul Elam.
[47] Marilyn Manson.
[48] Johnny Depp.
[49] Harvey Weinstein.
[50] Harvey Weinstein.
[51] Donald Trump.
[52] Donald Trump.
[53] Louis C.K.
[54] Matt Lauer.
[55] Woody Allen.
[56] Harvey Weinstein.
[57] Ryan Adams.
[58] Harvey Weinstein.
[59] Ryan Adams.
Brian Benson is the author of Going Somewhere (Plume, 2014), and co-author, with Richard Brown, of This Is Not For You (OSU Press, 2014). Originally from the hinterlands of Wisconsin, Brian now lives in Portland, Oregon, where he teaches at the Attic Institute and facilitates free Write Around Portland workshops. His short nonfiction has appeared in Sweet, Hippocampus, Oregon Humanities, Short Reads, and Hunger Mountain, among other journals. Read more about him and his work at www.brianbensonwrites.com.