The Aquarium

(Octopus arms have a mind of their own.)

At The Family, every girl taken on as an unsuspecting intern has followed the same employment path: until now. First, Jock (snidely referred to as Jock-topus by his staff on account of his many hidden wandering arms) headhunted the intern at one of the many meetings or conferences he attends on behalf of The Family. She responded with a thrilled squeal when he casually slid a business card into her delicate, unsuspecting hand. Who wouldn’t want to be part of The Family?

At the interview, a kindly, older female senior executive spoke highly of Jock and The Family, despite the strange orange tinge to his skin that appears to come and go throughout the interview. Her words cast a reassuring presence, and that her college age granddaughters look forward to joining The Family when they too graduate; they attend all the social events, including Christmas parties and picnics.

(About two-thirds of an octopus’s neurons are actually located in its arms. This means the arms can taste, touch, and even act on their own accord.)

Her first day impressions are that everyone is welcoming and friendly, especially Jock. The six-week training period requires late nights until she passes the internship. She’s encouraged to wear skirts and high heels to show off her legs for ‘show time.’ Anxious to make a good impression, she acquiesces despite her initial misgivings.

At lunchtime, she accidentally overhears a colleague joke about how long it will take for her to avoid Jock-topus’s advances.

(Octopuses have not one, but three hearts.)

A week later, Jock takes the intern aside and says she’s not making the cut at the ‘shows’, but if she works with him one-on-one in his office in extra training sessions, she could still catch up.

(If an octopus loses an arm, no problem! They have an impressive regenerative process that kicks in and allows them to develop a new one, which is basically as good as new.)

The intern is grateful for the extra help, but one night while they’re working late, when one of his hidden arms first makes an appearance and wanders its way down her backside, she objects. He apologises and offers to cut it off. Appeased, she agrees, unaware it will grow back.

(They are masters of camouflage. Luckily for octopuses, they can completely change their skin colour and texture in under a second.)

Jock is nominated for an Employer of the Year award. The Family are required to attend the award ceremony where Jock is crowned the top prize amidst much backslapping and hidden squelching of suckers.

(They can also use their ink as a defence. Sprayed into the water, it reduces a predator’s vision and sense of smell.)

Despite her attempts at not being alone with him again Jock-topus follows the intern to the ladies, pushes her up against the soap dispenser, holds her in a vice with his cold, slimy arms, running them up and down her body, fondling her breasts and kissing her with his blubbery lips.

The next day she calls in sick to work with seafood poisoning and consults an employment lawyer. That afternoon, a document arrives from the biggest employment lawyer in town threatening legal action if she libels or slanders her employer by making up unspecified ‘allegations.’

Devastated, she turns to her mother for advice, who quickly gathers together the wise sages in their family. They gather under the full moon, consult their book of spells, and brew a potion.

(Males can only live for a maximum of a few months after mating.)

The intern goes back to work the next day wearing her shortest skirt, nude stilettos to make her legs look even longer, a low-cut blouse, full makeup, and her hair in a loose, sexy style. She teases Jock-topus all day: bending over in full view of his glass office, leaning across the table to show her cleavage during board meetings, flicking her curls and batting her fake eyelashes at him. By the end of the day, she drove him wild with desire.

After requesting a private nightcap, she slips the potion into his whiskey and cries with mock rapture, “Take me on your desk, quickly.” As expected, he falls asleep before the act and slumps to the floor.

(Octopuses in captivity regularly solve puzzles, open jars, navigate obstacle courses, and even find cheeky ways to escape their tanks.)

The intern shows the footage to The Family’s Board the next day. Disgraced, he is removed from the building by security guards, and his wife files divorce proceedings. He is now the chief exhibit at The Aquarium, living in a large glass tank by himself where everyone can see his eight arms at once and what they’re touching at every moment.

N.B. Information about octopuses taken from https://30a.com/10-astounding-facts-octopuses/