In the backseat, we fumble. “Like this?” “How about there?” “Will it fit?” “Maybe this angle?” Finally, success! The carseat’s installed. **** Elbow under the bathtub faucet Temperature just warmer than my skin I flip the drain switch, add organic bubbles And look at red, yellow, blue painted handprints on white-tiled walls Before placing my toddler in the water. So far from a college New Year’s party Where a sexy med student suggested bubble bath and finger paints at his apartment and we played red, yellow, blue painted handprints on necks, stomachs, breasts, sheets unconcerned with getting burned **** Hand holding. Kissing. First base. Second base. Everything but intercourse. Intercourse. Condoms. The morning after pill. The pill. No pill. Thermometers. Calendar tracking. A doctor’s appointment. Nine months of doctor’s appointments. A baby! Another baby! Nursing and snuggles and cuddles and how the hell do I get this baby out of my bed so I can sleep? And business trips and IUDs and vasectomies and driving children to activities. When do we just hold hands? **** At the dinner table “Mommy, where do babies come from?” The older child says. The younger looks at me, too. Their Dad, across the table, eyes wide, staring straight in my direction. I explain penis entering vagina and sperm. The kids gag on their spaghetti Screw their noses up “Ew. You and Daddy did that?” I laugh. “At least twice.” **** Reading my high school senior’s Application essays They’re so close to living in dorms With beds, and bathrooms, and elevators And friends with backseats And bubble bath And fingerpaints My stomach clenches Can I get my babies back in my bed Where I know they’re safe So I can sleep. Do parents ever sleep? I suppose this is the price of independence.
Susan Mack (she/her) is a longtime Austin-based writer and storyteller whose work reveres everyday oddities. Recently, her work has been published in Hippocampus, The Rubbertop Review, CRY magazine, and Austin’s Rio Review. Her essay “Ostrich Truths” took second place in the Q2 2022 Women on Writing CNF competition. She is currently submitting her full-length memoir, *The 117-day Countdown,* for publication. Susan holds an MFA in Creative Nonfiction from the Vermont College of Fine Arts. Follow her @susanmackwrite1 or www.susanmackwrites.com.