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Italian Lemon-Almond Bars to KILL For!

METHOD
Prep time: 15 min          Cook Time: 60 min        Makes 24 bars
[Ingredient list] [Find ingredients at Amazon.com]

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★★★★1/2 of 3.4k reviews

Impatient, are we? How could an overall rating
of 4.5 steer you wrong – right? Start by sifting
600 g flour. But I’m not going to let you off
that easy, girl. Three thousand of your ravenous
peers have passed through this portal, mostly
unscathed. I don’t bite *smiley face.* We disclaim
any responsibility for poisoning or other ill effects.
It’s not like we’re in your kitchen. Ha! Lord no.
And it’s not like you’re really here for the food.
Oh, no. I insist. Get your double boiler going
over a medium flame. Such a shame you chose
to pass over my illuminating travelogue describing
how I wrested this method from a tight-lipped nona
on a rocky Sicilian slope. Old bat didn’t stand
a chance! It has since become my most requested
recipe at the kids’ fundraising bake sale. Food
is always story. Like every war, it’s about resources.
Ya feel me? This particular citrus achieved peak
ripeness under decades of duress of a punishing
pruning regimen. How’s your own midline shaping
up in midlife? Husband been working late lately?
LOL. A deal with the devil gets me a blue ribbon
at the county fair year after year after year. Easy
as pie! Enter your email here for a free-book! None
of the other cheerleading moms can quite get
the technique down. Don’t you want something
they don’t have? Take down the blue Fiesta Ware
bowl from your grandmother’s estate. Yes, on
the shelf above the sink. Oh, doesn’t everyone have
one? That’s just America. Still waiting on that
email, doll! Love the curtains! Would be a perfect
background for this page’s new thumbnail! Got to
keep it fresh. In the kitchen and the bedroom, am I
right? Enter your…oh, honey. You really were that
invisible girl in high school. Don’t you want to –
Fuck it, we’re coming in. Really might want to do
something about the locks on these windows! Mmmm
smells good in here. Ready to level up on your desert
making, as the kids say? I’m going to go ahead and
drop your cell phone into this double boiler. Ah, that’s
better! Look at these knives. Girl, you been holding
out on me. Sure you don’t want that free e-book? I
thought so. Use a paper doily to sprinkle on powdered
sugar and serve!Your family will be so impressed. Be
sure to rate, review, and subscribe! Alexa, call Peter’s
mistress. Click here for even more recipes.

Copyright 2021    MamaGetsItDone.com

8 Comments

  1. Meg Tuite

    Hi Sara,
    HAha! LOVE THIS! ‘MamaGetsItDone.com’ ” Such a shame you chose
    to pass over my illuminating travelogue describing
    how I wrested this method from a tight-lipped nona
    on a rocky Sicilian slope. Old bat didn’t stand
    a chance!” There are so many great lines here! And the rating system had me laughing!
    You rocked the recipe for a poisonous beauty!
    “Your family will be so impressed. Be
    sure to rate, review, and subscribe! Alexa, call Peter’s
    mistress.” LOVE!!

  2. Freesia McKee

    Hi Sara,

    As a home cook who frequents internet recipe sites, I love how this piece riffs on the ridiculous length of recipe web pages. This speaker is surprisingly hostile, though! And therein lies the intrigue. What is she saying to me about marriage and gender? Is she reliable?

    All of the genre conventions you’ve added like the star rating, the copyright notice, etc. enhance this piece and make this message more authentic even though it is taken to a tonal extreme. The elements work in concert with one another. Great hermit crab.

    Freesia

  3. Martha Jackson Kaplan

    Sara, You’ve done it again, lady! This is gorgeous, and as perfect as sourdough bread that tastes of long-lost terroir! For any of us that go to the internet for recipes, online spots, you tube lessons, this work is fresh yeast. hearts and hugs

  4. Nancy Stohlman

    I just love the sassy voice in here! And the way it goes into the ridiculous. Also an excellent job “setting” it up as a recipe, with all the little “clues” all around. You really use the form to the full extent of possibility!

  5. Chelsea Stickle

    This was really funny! I hate having to scroll past somone’s boring story about their family to get to a recipe. But I definitely want to hear about fighting the nona! I love the parts other people have mentioned, but who in their right mind is giving this woman less than 5 stars? She’d kill them!

    “Alexa, call Peter’s mistress!” if only tech worked for all of us like that.

  6. Jonathan Cardew

    Sara, this is a riot and a beaut. Love this: “Such a shame you chose to pass over my illuminating travelogue describing how I wrested this method from a tight-lipped nona on a rocky Sicilian slope.” Send this baby out there!!!

    – Jonathan

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