Grass isn’t Greener on the Other Side

Life now is quite strange.

For anyone, the loss of a family member and its entirety is truly a hard thing to swallow.

Perhaps one of my lowest points I’ve experienced in life so far.

I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

My mother, who passed away just recently, has impacted me in ways I’m not sure how to comprehend.

My girlfriend’s mother passed away a little over a year ago at the blooming age of 40.

I’m not sure what she or I ever did to deserve both of us to live without a mother at the early stage of life.

But in a way, having to put myself in my girlfriend’s shoes before my mothers passing, helped me cushion the pain, the sadness, and overall grieving process.

Within this process, I find myself lost at times. But I try to remain my extroverted self. I’m constantly trying to find something to do. Something to keep myself busy. Sometimes it’s the only way to cope.

When someone you’re close to passes away, you begin to think about the past, present, and the future a lot more.

The past, in which the memories of that person remain.

The present, the emotions one might be experiencing, and how they are dealing with it.

The future, all of the things you know they won’t be around for. Honestly it’s one of the most disturbing parts.

My advice to anyone going through anything similar, is to cherish those memories in the past more often, and don’t lead yourself too deep into the fictional future that you wish could have happened. It only makes the grieving worse.

In the last 18 years of my life, my mom and I had some interesting experiences.

Many ups and downs then a normal mom and son duo would have.

But I think that’s what made it special.

My mom was an alcoholic. My seventh grade year exposed her when we had to quarantine for the Covid pandemic.

I never even realized until then what she had been through, and why she was even coping in such a negative manner.

I eventually took a step closer and asked her personal questions. Just understanding her past, such as her best friends suicide, and being layed off from her airline. I can understand why one might find themselves down this path.

Also it doesn’t help that the airline industry from my knowledge is a bunch of party animals gone airborne.

We would always talk about her past. I knew her main problem was exactly that. Just like how one shouldnt look too far in the future, it’s bad to stay in the past forever, because then you miss the present events.

For about 3 years I knew my mom as this person. To be honest I was really beginning to get sick of her shit. Although the death of my girlfriend’s mom had changed that for me.

It changed my perspective on everything such as how fragile life can be sometimes.

Of course my concern was my moms poor drinking habits, and I knew she would kill herself unintentionally if she kept drinking.

I attempted to alarm her.

I always wanted the best for my mother. Even now that she’s not here, I hope she still knows that.

My mom continued to smoke, but she quit alcohol cold turkey like one tough son of a bitch.

I’ve never seen my mother so strong before and she just completely turned herself around for about 8 months.

During these times we would listen to music, cook meals, watch trains, and movies.

Life was honestly great.

I thought She was finally living in the present.

While it’s sad those memories couldn’t have advanced into more later years, I’m still thankful the last 8 months with my mom were memories that I could cherish. She began digging into oreos as her new favorite addiction and she actually was able to put some meat onto her delicate frame.

I can’t say Oreos were the healthiest addiction but it was certainly better than consuming alcohol everyday after work and being hammered on the weekends to the utmost incoherent state.

I was proud of my mom. While my brother and dad loved her, they didn’t have the connection like my mom and I had.

I remember just coming home from school to show her some new tunes I learned on the guitar. Or read her my stories, like the one I’m writing right now, since she was a pretty literate person and enjoyed listening to my work.

Speaking of which, she always had the most confidence in me than anyone else. We would always turn to one another in any given situation.

I knew she loved me. As much as it hurts that she’s gone now, I have to thank her for giving me some of the most cherishable years of my life.

My advice to someone may be along the lines of the fact that no one is perfect. Life is a bitch and that is set and done. Sometimes things don’t always go perfectly. But one thing I edge upon others is that you need to always look past the negative in someone, and find the positive. Dig deep if you have to. I know my mom had demons. I know she said stuff to me that a mom shouldnt say to a son. But me looking past that, and not giving up on her, and looking for the positive, made life with her much more enjoyable, and it gave her the opportunity to live out one last good year. I will always love, cherish, and remember her.