Day Two-Prompt two

by | Oct 17, 2020 | Dean Cleaning Two | 5 comments

Day Two-Prompt two

 

Rowboat, rowboat, notice the hole. Width of a straw but we didn’t see it, covered it was. Like a night-whispered name I chose not to hear but heard just the same. Me and you, not too far out on the lake, Hot day, sun bake. Sun only the width or our thumb, so how is it so strong? It was her name you said in your sleep as you dreamed, as you slept, as love crept out the door that was open just a little, only a finger’s worth, but out it went. And here we are in this boat, all rock and clunk, water inching, inching. You say the shore is near enough. The width of a swim. You’ll carry me on your back, you say. Water eating our shoes, almost up over our knees now. You motion me to climb on you, last time on you. We fall into the water, two-person thing we are, the one last time. The shore coming nearer. What we were sinking slowly behind.

5 Comments

  1. Trent

    Francine –

    A subtle way of comparing two different catalysts~

    Funny how we often find ourselves in that mode. Being oblivious due to something not being easily noticeable (the hole) vs
    whether there might be warning signs.

    Makes me wonder whether there might have ultimately been a confrontation, over the name – since they face an escalated
    situation, it seems to be snuffed. Leaves me wondering whether that still has some repercussions – but, that’s the effect I think
    works the best!

    Very cool.

  2. Constance Malloy

    If I were to put a favorite line here, I would just copy the entire piece. I love the rhythm, the rhyming, the repetition of words. The door being a open “only a finger’s worth.” So little space is needed for the truth to come out. Thanks for sharing this. I really enjoyed it.

  3. Tommy Dean

    I love the nursery rhyme opening, the way you lure us into the disaster about to take place! “Width of a straw but we didn’t see it, covered it was.” I love the way you change the syntax with the verb at the end here, constantly keeping us on our toes, wondering what will happen next! Love that you can do that o the sentence level!

    “It was her name you said in your sleep as you dreamed, as you slept, as love crept out the door that was open just a little, only a finger’s worth, but out it went. ” What a fantastic line of backstory that puts more pressure on this front story! This is exactly how you use backstory to do that, with such grace and brevity, too!

    ah, and the metaphor ending is just perfect! This is a lovely barbed micro!

  4. Chelsea Stickle

    Like Tommy, I enjoy the nursery rhyme opening. There’s something a little off about the sentences in this piece, which is keeping with the nursery rhyme. The ending is brilliant. You can ignore a thing, but that doesn’t make it go away. The ending brings to mind the story about the scorpion and the frog. Except here the roles are reversed in the water. I love how she has a piece of information he doesn’t and how that ripples through the story.

  5. Paul Beckman

    Frannie-Your first four sing-song words set a great tone–so great to my reading I wanted more. I like what you wrote but those first four wouldn’t leave me be.

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