All My CIS Friends

I Imagine All My CIS Friends Laughing At Tranny Jokes- Joshua Jennifer Espinoza (There Should Be Flowers)

I imagine all my cis friends laughing at tranny jokes whenever I’m not around. I can hear the sound of rain outside and I’m grasping for the words to say this. There is nothing I love more than an honest storm. Broken dishes. Dead grass. The time has come for me to be alive and for you to stop speaking. Please stop speaking. Please, oh please stop speaking. I have never felt as alone as this, I say every day. I have never felt so alone. I’ve built houses in corners of houses and filled them with all of my longings. My strength. My pride. My beauty. My woman self. I read another comments section of an article about trans women and I want to die. To not exist. To let them win. I don’t let them win. I circle the drain and kiss my fingers hello. I welcome them back. This complex trauma responds only to the dialectical. Only to the heat and the cool, the death and the life. Only then is it lifted for a moment to let me breathe. I breathe the sweet air and stare at the hillside, and then at the road, and then at the cars, and then at the sky. All so unsure of themselves. All so softly shaking in place. All so beautifully living.