30-Day Notice to Vacate

by | Dec 7, 2021 | CNF, Issue Twenty Four

Date: May 25, 2021

Tenant: Lucy Wilde

Address: Non-permanent mobile Vessel currently located at Tsawwassen B.C., Canada

Vessel identifying features:


Height: 5’ 7”

(and diminishing. Tenant claims it is due to excessive servitude and a condition known as “carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders”)

Weight: Ideal weight 140 lbs

(current weight unknown. See further explanation in body of notice)

Eyes: Green

Hair: Originally reddish-brown

(assumed to be “salt and pepper”, but this cannot be verified due to application of “Purple Rain” semi-permanent hair colour, used in attempt to deny the following identifier)

Age: 58

(the couple responsible for the Vessel’s construction claimed that “it all began on a humid, starry night in July”. Full occupancy occurred as of 8:00 pm April 23, 1963).

This notice is being served to Lucy Wilde (hereinafter referred to as “the tenant” or “her”), in regards to the tenant’s long term care and treatment of the aforementioned Vessel.  Recent undiagnosed chest pain that may cause the Vessel’s status to change from “habitable” to “condemned”, is the impetus for this notice. Further examples of the tenant’s violations are listed below, under the heading, “Breach of Duty of Care”.

The said Vessel, (hereinafter referred to as “the Vessel” or “It”), is aware there may not be any legal precedent for this action, as there is no written contract, or guidelines for what constitutes proper ‘duty of care’ of such a Vessel. There is, however, an implied contract requiring that the original builders spend a large part of their lives (at least eighteen years, usually more) providing comprehensive training on proper care and maintenance, so that the tenant has the knowledge and skills to then take on personal responsibility for the Vessel. Long term tenancy is the goal.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, the Vessel understands that, in this case, the builders may have provided the tenant with confusing guidelines.

For instance, the male builder (known as Dad) had a habit of sipping the fat from frying bacon, before eating the cooked bacon between two slices of fried bread. He drank a martini before dinner every night, wine with dinner. For dessert, a few ounces of brandy while he smoked several Lucky Strike cigarettes. From the age of sixteen he rode motorcycles, flew glider planes, and at seventeen volunteered to go off to war to face potential dismemberment or demolition of his Vessel. He vacated after eighty-two years, on his final day claimed he had a wonderful time and did not regret a thing.

The female builder (Mom), practiced yoga daily, ate plain, skinless broiled chicken and veggies for dinner most nights, and walked three kms daily. Abstained from everything except two glasses of champagne a year. She also vacated after eighty-two years, her last words a well-rehearsed inventory of bitter regrets (which included the above-named lifestyle choices, as well being ‘forced’ to abandon both her love of dance and desire to become a nun, to focus on marriage and the construction and care of five vessels).

Breach of Duty of Care

Due to the Vessel’s efficient cellular tracking and recording system, there is a detailed record of actions and inactions by the tenant, deemed contrary to what a reasonable person would do or not do in the act of living, to prevent injury or damage to the Vessel. (She may not remember, but It always does). Examples of these actions and inactions are provided below:

1.)  The operation of a powered two-wheeled motor vehicle (motorcycle) during heavy rain on numerous occasions, causing several ‘incidents with potential for serious injury’ (near misses).

2.)  Drunken dancing under the full moon, causing a fracture of the right ankle and terminating the Vessel’s ability to navigate uneven surfaces (later used as an excuse for sedentary behaviour, see item 6).

3.)  Thirty years of smoking various brands of cigarettes, filtered mostly, with the occasional Lucky Strike. (The Vessel recognizes the tenant’s abstinence of the past six months, and five prior attempts).

4.)  Failure to moisturize or apply sunscreen, causing exterior covering to wrinkle prematurely and slough off like sun-baked paint. Decreasing its ability to protect the vulnerable interior of the Vessel. 

5.)  Twenty years spent in a medical profession that caused a condition the tenant describes as “ischemia of the soul”, (the Vessel tried to warn her – torn rotator cuff, carpal tunnel syndrome, Norovirus x three. She finally listened, retired only months before Covid 19).

6.) Aversion to exercise causing a build-up of fat cells, making it difficult for the Vessel to remain mobile, potentially causing hardening of the arteries and weakening of the heart muscle. 

7.) Adoption of a bent posture of servitude and slumped shoulders, which caused a disintegration of the thoracic vertebrae in the spine, an important supporting structure of the Vessel. Also blocked the heart from receiving any love and affection, causing it to further weaken and shrivel.

8.) Rejection of the love and support of those with the tenant’s best interests at heart (her best friend Billy who professed his love by buying her a Barry Manilow album for her twelfth birthday) instead, spending time in the company of those whose hearts were also shriveled (Billy’s older brother Ray, who convinced her, just after her fourteenth birthday, that having sex with him was the only thing that would stop her from being a loser like Billy). A pattern that continued over many years.

9.) Inability to calm her anxious thoughts, blocking the release of Oxytocin (the trust and love hormone) and serotonin (the happiness hormone).

10.) Fear of the consequences of all of the above, as well as ending up lonely, old and homeless. All this resulting in the over production of Cortisol (the stress hormone), causing increased weight gain, inflammation, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, muscle weakness, anxiety, depression, etc.

This notice is being served to inform the tenant that the Vessel’s resilience is not infinite, and that her actions or inactions can influence when the Vessel’s status changes from “habitable” to “condemned”.

The Vessel will offer the tenant thirty days to show some remorse, start making whatever repairs are possible in good faith (eg. The tenant could ride her bike the four kms to the farmer’s market, instead of driving three blocks to Dairy Queen for a chicken strip basket with fries. Fall asleep reading Listen to Your Body, in place of staying up until 2:00 a.m. watching Game of Thrones, again).  

The Vessel has chosen not to serve the tenant an eviction notice at this time because, despite everything, it has grown quite fond of her.

If the tenant chooses to challenge this offer, an eviction notice will be served.


The Vessel

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